the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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