Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
