The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
