Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
