You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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