How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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