My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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