Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
