So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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