Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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