Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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