a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
