Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
