so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
