Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
