i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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