All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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