Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
