We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize