I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
