Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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