im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
