Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
