carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
