I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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