It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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