Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
