you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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