my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Houston, we have a blender
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
