got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
