we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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