Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
