did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
