if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
