You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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