Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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