Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
