You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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