Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
