I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
