i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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