i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
