So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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