do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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