I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
