So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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