Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
