It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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