Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
