i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
