Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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