Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize