loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
