i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
