i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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