I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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