Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize