You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
