When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
