Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
