Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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