he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize