if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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