New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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