just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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