You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
