uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
