Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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