I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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