She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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